张培基英译文之批与评（三）

fangdanny · 发表于 2022-1-30 20:01:26

张培基英译夏丏尊《白马湖之冬》。

【原文】
一家人于阴历十一月下旬从热闹的杭州移居这荒凉的山野，宛如投身于极带中。

【张培基译】
Having moved from Hangzhou to this desolate countryside late in the eleventh moon of the lunar year, we felt like getting bogged down in a polar region.

【评】
原文用“热闹”与“荒凉”相对，张译省略“热闹”，不妥。

另，“阴历十一月下旬”是否一定要一丝不苟译成 late in the eleventh moon of the lunar year？我觉得实在没必要。这里原作者无非说的正值“寒冬”。

本句改译如下：
Moving from the bustling city of Hangzhou to this desolate wilderness in the dead of winter was like arriving in the North Pole.

【原文】
日光晒到哪里，就把椅凳移到哪里，忽然寒风来了，只好逃难似地各自带了椅凳逃入室中，急急把门关上。

【张培基译】
Where there was sunshine, there we would move our chairs. When the cold wind came, however, we would scamper indoors like refugees, each carrying a chair or stool and hastily closing the doors behind us.

【评】
第一句英文 Where... , there ... 非常古怪，不是英文习惯表达。如果说仿自谚语 Where there's a will, there's a way. 也说不过去，后半句的句式对不上。

另，张培基把原文“逃难似的 ...... 逃入室中”译成 scamper indoors like refugees。这是张培基译文的老毛病了，即译字不译意。

原作者用“逃难似的”，是在强调“速度快”，而不是说真的难民逃难。

中文用“逃难似的”来表示逃跑速度快，是正常的说法。但若译成英语 scamper indoors like refugees，就显得莫名其妙。

本句改译如下：
As the sun moved across the sky, we would have to move our tables and chairs around also and always stay where we could soak up the sun. When it suddenly became blustery, we would rush to seek refuge indoors.

Shiny2020 · 发表于 2022-1-31 11:08:22

【Moving from the bustling city of Hangzhou to this desolate wilderness in the dead of winter was like arriving in the North Pole.】
1.此句主语过长，头太重。
2. in the dead of winter 参照牛9解释：in the coldest part of winter，表示隆冬，而原文中“于阴历十一月下旬”不仅表示您所说的寒冬，也是移居时间开端，当然有必要提一下；再者说到翻译的异化，此处农历恰是中国特有，何不译出，介绍一番呢？
3.极带翻译双语词典中提供的有：polar belt和polar zone；您为何强制翻译成是北极呢？
【As the sun moved across the sky, we would have to move our tables and chairs around also and always stay where we could soak up the sun. When it suddenly became blustery, we would rush to seek refuge indoors.】
1. tables 何来？
2.soak up the sun翻译成中文是晒太阳，但是在英语语境中指代的是沙滩上日光浴，文化内涵不同。
3.急急把门关上的动作表现出仓皇逃入室，为何省略呢？

fangdanny · 发表于 2022-1-31 14:05:14

Shiny2020 发表于 2022-1-31 11:08
【Moving from the bustling city of Hangzhou to this desolate wilderness in the dead of winter was li ...

soak up 没问题，可以沙滩上，也可以在其它地方。

加了椅子，更符合英语表达。

fangdanny · 发表于 2022-1-31 14:07:51

Shiny2020 发表于 2022-1-31 11:08
【Moving from the bustling city of Hangzhou to this desolate wilderness in the dead of winter was li ...

其它几点，就是仁智之见。

张培基的译文太实，有些地方偏于直译，没有地道英语的味。

[语言讨论] 张培基英译文之批与评（三）